The sun just sank and the evening birds have started in; Barry is at class and I am looking around this apartment that has been my home for months, thinking about how it will never be my home again after tonight. Tonight B will come home and we'll go out for a late dinner and come back here and everything will be the way it always has. But then tomorrow I will drag out the suitcases and empty closets and make piles and zip things into leak-proof bags -- I'm a careful packer -- and this home will disappear a little more with every step, to be replaced by rooms full of stuff in transit.
I'm starting to get a little freak on. Just a minor one, but I'm having it nevertheless. I will never live here again. I will never again watch the sun move across the giant tower of the building I can see from our bed. I won't squeak these floorboards dancing to Lionel Ritchie and I won't check my lipstick in the elevator mirrors. When I load out of here in the middle of the baby hours of Saturday morning the doormen will salute me for the last time and when the taxi pulls away Ambassador's Court will be firmly in my past.
The prospect of living without Barry again is a bleak one, and I'm sure I'm focusing on the concrete to avoid the emotional. We have had a honeymoon here, B and I, a resurgence of joy in each other, a renewal of the interest that brought us together almost 10 years ago. It has been a very happy time for us, and leaving each other now will be very sad.
But he has to go to London to finish his MBA program -- it just makes sense for him to finish there. London will look good on his resume and all that. I'd like to go with him, but the financial uncertainty of that situation is more than I can bear. In contrast, April and Stephen already have work waiting for me in Portland. I am SO looking forward to it!
When I land Saturday morning I intend to go directly to a breakfast establishment and order a large stack of pancakes. I'm not the hugest fan of pancakes you ever met or anything, but for some reason I have craved them here -- and they are not to be found. I'm going to eat a lot of pancakes and drink a lot of hot coffee and then go to Amy's and take a shower to get the travel off of me. After that I will make my way to Athena's and start pulling boxes in an effort to put together a winter wardrobe -- at this point I have only open-toed shoes and summer dresses at my disposal.
Sunday I'm marching off to get a phone, and then I'll call you -- I can't wait to see you! In the mean time, email me and we can make plans to get together. Much as I am sad to leave here, I am very very enthusiastic about seeing you again! I have missed your face.
